#15 – American Shaolin

This tale opens up in the current life situation of an adult Caillou who has long since left the streets of Canada to experience life in the big city.  He ends up moving to what I believe is New York to be a martial arts practitioner, competing in large exhibition tournaments.  Genetics serve him well because despite his leukemia patient appearance as a child, he manages to grow solid thick locks in adulthood.  

Sadly he ends up shaving his head again when he travels halfway around the world to become a Shaolin Monk after he is shamed in a tournament by his arch nemesis “Stone Cold” Trevor who is played by Tommy the Green Ranger.

 Now we begin in China at the Shaolin temple where Caillou somehow convinces the Monks that he’s worthy enough to be sworn into their institution and starts his basic training. At first he’s hated until he wins over his monk brethren in classic American style, with a Playboy. He and his eventual bunkmate become the best of friends (code for: secret gay lovers who cover each other in Monk Spunk) and even enjoy play fights where a victor isn’t awarded until you can grab a handful of your opponents cock & balls. Most of the antics that go on while in basic training are similar to the Major Payne boot camp with the only thing missing is a strict punishment of PT in rain while wearing ladies dresses.  I say fully understanding that it will knock Major Payne down a few pegs because it’s almost like the director watched this movie and was like “this is hilariously epic, I must pay homage” and basically reshot this whole sequence.

Caillou endures Monk training, but not without its challenges, and finally earns the right to be a Monk by passing the final test where he is sent to almost certain death in what I’m naming the ancient hidden trials cave of doom.  After being beaten with tree trunks, falling down bottomless chasms, and dodging swinging sacks of sand, he reaches the room of the ancient demented haunted naked nutcracker dolls who proceed to crack his nuts with reckless abandon.  Just when you think he can’t take any more, our hero digs deep in his soul to muster the strength to carry on.  He makes it out of the cave of doom alive and thus enshrouded in his Monk dressings.

Now its final fight time.  “Stone Cold” Trevor has traveled all the way to China to compete in the Wu Shu International Exhibition where he runs into Monk Caillou who is a spectator for the match pitting his arch nemesis and his bunkmate against one another.  After Trevor makes short work of Monk Spunk Bunkmate, Caillou is given the approval of one of the many Monks that he calls Master to avenge his honor. 

Things We Learned

• It’s not a good idea to watch trailers before choosing a movie to view together.  The trailer for this movie had us convinced it would be good but it was very slow action wise and not cheesy enough to be hilarious so it just wasn’t special at all. The high points for me are listed below.
• The fights were good, just few and far between.
• What is most likely the only song on this movies soundtrack “Shaolin Temple Blues” – https://youtu.be/opXsU7LWKbk
• “Stone Cold” Trevor’s hilarious dirty fighting sequences.  Unfortunately he’s only in the first and last 5-10 minutes of the movie.
• In China right outside the Shaolin Temple lies a bizarro world where the local Asian teens go to hair salons run by black people that only have posters or Rick James, Da Brat, and Janet Jackson’s character from Poetic Justice from which to draw inspiration on the trendiest hairstyles.
• Shaolin Monks only engage in combat in two cases; 1. If they’re trying not to look like a huge pussy in front of their snot nosed students, and 2. If they are defending the honor of a secret lover.

-Qaadir Antwine

American Shaolin

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American Shaolin is a 1992 American martial arts film directed by Lucas Lowe and starring (among others) Reese Madigan, Kim Chan and Daniel Dae Kim.