#79 – Number One with a Bullet

Movie Nerds,

Last week we finally got around to watching another forgotten Cannon Gem from the 80’s. “Number one with a Bullet”. A hard boiled cop thriller with a conspiracy that goes ALL THE WAY TO THE TOP. We initially assumed that Billy D WIlliams was going to be the star of this film, but we were mistaken it’s ‘Revenge of the Nerds’ star Robert Carradine  doing his best BAD BOY COP WHO PLAYS BY HIS OWN RULES. But he pretty much just sounds like a whiney jerk the whole time.

Recap! 

Every Cannon movie is like watching what happens if you were to describe a couple movies that you’ve seen to a reasonably competent filmmaker and have him try to make a movie from that. They seem like real films, but they contain things that don’t make sense or are just sloppy.

So it starts out with both of the cops in some kind of divebar jazz club where NerdCop is trying to hit on his ex wife and Lando is sitting in with the band playing jazz trumpet.  Smash Cut, NerdCop and JazzFlute Calrissian going undercover to bust some kind of drug ring. Nerdcop is dressed as a lady, Lando is a blind guy, and the criminals are also dressed up as a mexican bandito and another lady… why? is this a costume party? NO this is just stupid movie logic. Best part of the scene is when a random kid steals an apple from Lando and straight flips him off to his face. They chase the bad guys into a church that is litterally running a charity gambling night, theres a standoff and Nerdcop does his best Leathal Weapon impresson during a hostage negotiation. 

The plot is so convoluted and lazy that I’m not sure why they are sent out of town after this incident, but THE CHIEF (the pilot from AIRPLANE!) sends them down to San Diego to pick up an informant, which is convenient because that gives us time to meet Doris Roberts as NerdCopMom. She is pleasant. It also gives Lando some time to slay asian poon. 
on the flight back they are chased down by a helicopter, they are in a plane… NerdCop is forced to land the plane, luckily the helicopter with the machine gun gives them time to escape with the informant. Unluckily the informant is shot in the stomach by a farmer… GOT EM! I think he gives them some kind of information, or maybe not WHO CARES. 

They never say how they get back to LA, but once they’re there they rough up a local street tough who is selling stolen VCRs. Played by Bubba from Forrest Gump.  They knock over a fichus plant on the way in the door, I remembered that more than any actual plot. I think he gives them some kind of info on some new drugs coming into town. At some point they have to interrogate a junkie, in a kind of sad scene. he tells them that there’s a big score coming into town. or something I don’t know what’s going on. 

They try to bust the big score, but they’ve been tipped off and there’s a big car/truck chase that’s actually pretty fun. It ends with the big bad guys trapped in the back of the tuck in front of the precinct.  and there’s a mole inside the department.

IT GOES ALL THE WAY TO THE TOP.

There is a scene where the Chief shows up and you think it’s him, but then they never mention that again.  
These things happen somewhere in here. 

• Somebody tries to kill Billy D while he’s playing his trumpet mouthpiece while driving his car. 
• NerdCop’s ex wife (Valerie Bertonelli) is almost BLOWED UP in a carbomb
• They have to interrogate UNCLE RICO about some drug shit
• Some part of their plan involves “Thai Charlie”

NerdCop is frustrated and sneaks into the sleazy BIG BOSS’s house, threatening one inept guard and his nightly floozy. Nothing really matters.

ALL THAT MATTERS HERE IS HOW THAT GUY WAS SLEEPING IN THE BED WHEN HE BREAKS INTO THE BEDROOM!

It’s the funniest moment in movie night history and makes this movie a must watch. SCREENSHOT ATTACHED. 
There’s some kind of final plan involving Bubba stealing evidence and Doris Roberts distracting them. and in the end, they get their man. 

The only way David Carradine could possibly come off as cooler than Billy D, as he somewhat successfully does in this movie, is if he’s a manipulative little cock blocker like he did on numerous occasions where he swooped in to ruin the copious amounts of poon that would’ve totally been drenched in Colt 45.  It was by far the greatest double switch in cinema history as i would’ve never assumed that Billy D could ever play 2nd fiddle to anyone, let alone the star from a movie called Revenge of the Nerds.

Q

facts.

• I laughed for 2 whole minutes about how that guy was sleeping.
• Budget $410,952
• Cote’s new nickname is “Thai Charlie”
• Robert Carradine Might Be Crazy

I’ll probably be out this week, I’m watching the baby in Salt Lake while laurel goes to a I’ll conference, So there might be some dinner or something. It’s Chris Johnson’s pick. 

-Mark