#85 – Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale

Movie Elves,

Last week we watched a movie that I had previously thought to be a good movie. ‘Rare Exports’ from 2010. I still think it’s ‘pretty good’ but time has made me downgrade it. The ending doesn’t hold up as well.

Recap!

So it begins in some mining encampment where they seem to make a discovery, They pull out a core sample with something that I’m sure we’re supposed to recognize, but I just saw pine shavings? I guess they didn’t want to be too obtuse about it and pull out a core sample with Rudolph’s nose glowing in it. So it then jumps to some time later where we meet a little Finnish boy who lives on a reindeer farm with his dad. There’s probably some tragic backstory, but we are never explicitly told about it. What we are shown is a lot of this kid in his underwear, because reasons.

We learn that the boy and his friend have gone on an adventure inside the fence of the mining operation and they are scared that someone will find out.

It’s time for the annual reindeer slaughter… or roundup or something. and only a couple of them come over the hill, it turns out that something has killed 400 reindeer in the night. They think it’s wolves but then they discover the cut in the fence the boys made and get all pissy about the outsider science men. So they form a posse and grab their pitchforks to confront the scientists. When they get there everybody is gone (or dead, there’s some debate). I guess at this point they decide that something fishy is going on with this giant hole in the mountain, but they head back down hill.

The next morning something has fallen into the wolf trap that our main character’s father has set. But SPOOKY, it turns out it’s just an old man wearing a mining company jacket. So they decide to just cut up the body and never speak of this again. But he turns out to be alive. This is where the movie gets good or stupid… you decide. Because at the same time the kid is putting together that all his friends are missing. LIKE ALL OF THEM. but nobody knows this but him. The old man never speaks, but is really interested in the kid. They decide that they need to confront the mining company again, so they take the old man in a cage back up the mountain.

Where they find a giant warehouse where someone is defrosting a giant frozen ‘SANTA’ in front of it are all the kids in town in tied up in sacks as an offering, at this point they are confronted by the BIG BAD USA mining company director. But then WHAT! They are attacked by hundreds of old naked men. They take up refuge in the warehouse.

Old Elf Dicks!

Mark

This is part one of the craziest ending ever. So they steal a helicopter and cargo net-up all the kids, STILL IN SACKS. and use them as bait to lure all the ELVES down the mountain and into the reindeer pen. (which would totally NOT stop these hellbent elves.) Meanwhile at the warehouse two guys plant about 1500 individual sticks of dynamite in the giant ball of Santa Ice. and blow it up. There’s not much else to that, they just hit the button and whammo. dunzors. 

So now we enter part two of the batshit crazy ending. 

So with the big bad guy killed, the minion elves aren’t under his control anymore. So what do they do with them. They spend the next year cleaning them up and training them to be official mall Santas. Now the rest of the movie has been pretty reality based but there are so many logistical craziness going on here It kind of breaks down. 
Most of the plot holes in the movie can be summed up with two things

• the cast is only like 7 people
• it seems like they spent most of their money on the giant santa ice ball set. 

So I still give it credit for being great looking despite a low budget and having the balls to show all those old man balls. 

and I know there’s the controversial “the elves are the mining workers’ theory… but I’m beginning to think that’s the only explanation. If there were elves, they would have slaughtered all the miners like they did the reindeer. Or miners would have fled? and showed up in the town.

I think the MAGIC OF SANTA made them all grow old and turn into elves. 

Also we had a great visitor on rabb.it with a picture of your mom. 
-Mark