#87 – Hands of Steel

Movie Cyborgs, 

Last night we rebooted the Movie Night with a viewing of ‘Hands Of Steel’ AKA ‘Atomic Cyborg’ A glorious relic from 1986 in the post apocalyptic genre. It has all the strong beats of 80’s future, some kind of vague apocalypse has happened and everyone is forced to live in the desert or abandoned quarries and drive late 70’s beaters. 

Plot!

THIS IS THE ENTIRE PLOT SYNOPSIS ON WIKIPEDIA

” An evil industrialist (John Saxon) has created a cyborg (Daniel Greene) who is 70% robot and 30% human.”

I’ll try my best..

Something has happened and everything is fucked. There’s some kind of political intrigue involving a corporation and some boring Asian scientist. Enter… PACO QUERUAK! Queue up the bad ass intro music, driving a beat up 85 trans am to his own apartment. The sweaty monster is just sitting alone in his empty apartment when he gets the command to start doling out sweet face punches to the scientists, he hesitates on the target and is forced to flee. He escapes the police through a very dangerous electric sewer. 

He drive through a classic ACID RAIN situation on the way out to the desert. He ditches his car at a junkyard and gets a nice blue 77 Chevy nova instead. He drives that into the vast wasteland of ARIZONA. He also ditches that car and walks into a dive bar and motel (very sweaty) where he easily convinces the local barmaid, Linda, that he’s not an emotionless killing machine by staring a hole through her with his dead cyborg eyes. He now has a job!

So then he takes down Raul, the local arm wrestling champion and he wants a shot at the regional champ! Probably to get custody of his son and a new semi truck. Raul doesn’t take kindly to this piece of RAT DIRT and PACO is forced to bludgeon these fools with his HANDS OF STEEL. 

They keep showing prostitutes renting rooms which Linda describes as “Couples who come here to make love without anyone seeing them”

Raul, still bitter about his devastating arm wrestling loss, tricks Paco out to the Indian reservation and drags him around by the back of a tow truck, then beats him with a lead pipe. Paco survives and returns to the bar in time to take on the regional champ INDIAN STYLE in arm wrestling.

This whole time the corporate thugs have been tracking Paco. They are closing in on him. 

This weird biker couple shows up that the owner of the bar calls by name (your my favorite customer Johnny) but the woman turns out to be another perfect cyborg assassin. They have a hilarious cyborg fight. in the middle of a gun battle that turns into a car/helicopter chase.. god is this still going on. Linda is almost killed and they are separated. Paco then has to fight a team of laser bazooka soldiers and crushes one of their heads inside a helmet. After some more sweet LASER-ZOOKA-ING he gets the drop on the cooperate hitman AND RIPS OUT HIS FUCKING HEART. KALI-MA!
Then the local police show up in the 85 family station wagon and corner Paco in an old factory. There’s shooting and shouting. Linda reappears to convince Paco to give up.

HE DOES, THE END. 

wait, wut. 

Thoughts! 

• if you just describe this movie it sounds awesome. but it is hilariously bad.
• Paco Queruak is the best name ever
• Why is there a subplot of arm wrestling, OF COURSE HE”S GONNA WIN
• It seems like the cops independently figured out who Paco was and what happened to him
• I would have sworn he killed that first asian scientist. 
• the scenes of the cops trying to figure out that was a picture of a fist were great. 
• they saved money on this movie by not paying for air conditioning. 
• If Linda knew the names of both of the bikers one of which is a cyborg, were they just stationed out there by the bad guys forever? Did the dude know he was boning a cyborg sex machine? so many questions. 
• Linda is a stone cold FOX IRL

Paco Queruak would simply sweat the issue away

Q

Alright Fools, see you next week. 

T-Shirts for Paco Querak fans!

-Mark