Movie Nerds,
We’re back! The boys are back in town and they have brought with them a crazy bad movie from 1991… Samurai Cop!
Oh man was this thing great. There were some parts that dragged a bit because these guys clearly barely knew how to create a movie. They clearly ran out of money halfway through and then had to cut what they had together into a ‘completed’ project. All of the screenshots are works of goddamn art, I want to get them tattooed on my back. The faces of everyone are insanely glorious and every other one is a full on solo head shot.
Recap?
( sorry so long, i got on a roll)
The fucking Japanese mullet gang has taken over LA, they are bad asses who enjoy fresh fruit and fine mid priced wines. They fit all the 80’s movie stereo types ‘weird out of shape lead henchman’, ‘super Japanese stereotype henchman’, ‘hot chick’, and a multitude of disposable henchmen. The LAPD is desperate for help, so they call in SAMURAI COP from the far off land of SAN DIEGO. It’s a total Beverly Hills Cop situation.
They instantly get into a police chase and brutally kill 2 bad guys and set a third one on fire. Then to celebrate Samurai Cop fucks the LAPD Helicopter pilot in a hilariously stiff sex scene. Later at the hospital the nurse attending to the burned guy wants to get on that Samurai Dick… but it is unclear if he gets this.
Meanwhile, the lead henchman, who looks like Sawyer from lost who got stung in the face by a swarm of bees, comes to the hospital to kill the burned guy, Bushido code or something. They sneak by the one inept police guard by hiding in a basket… it’s fucking great (see screenshot). They take his burnt head off and get away.
The detective team of black guy and samurai then confront the gang in a restaurant. There’s some threatening and interaction with Asian Bronson Pinchot and Samurai cop makes plans to bone the Gang leader’s main blonde squeeze.
Right outside the restaurant the cops are attacked and keep killing bad guys.
Samurai cop finds the blonde chick and her amazing stuffed lion and puts the moves on her.
They kill or possibly arrest some other guys. Then they go to the Japanese Fu man Chu stereotype henchman’s house and peep on him for a minute while he’s about to bone his lady. There’s a big boring chase where in the end Samurai Cop… DOES NOT CUT HIS HEAD OFF… because he’s a cop god dammit.
There’s then a scene in…. a doctors office.. or a store or something. Where a bunch of henchmen try to attack Samurai cop. He Murderizes all of them with his colt python. (He’s also wearing a black hat with a ponytail attached because he had cut his hair at this point) Then seemingly in the middle of the fight, they cut to a sex scene with the red head chick.
Samurai cop picks up blond chick from CHURCH and takes her home to swim and bone.
The gang is looking for Samurai cop, they kill one adjacent cop and his wife. They threaten to cut off the black cop’s ‘BLACK GIFT’… they literally hold his dick in one hand and hold a knife to it with the other… it’s amazing (see screenshot). They then pour hot grease on the stomach of the helicopter pilot and first sex scene victim. They do not get Samurai cop or blonde lady.
But now these cops want blood. The chief gives them license to KILL ALL THESE MOTHERFUCKERS! They take the fight to the bad guys mid priced Hollywood mansion. They shoot a bunch of fools culminating with a Katana fight between samurai cop and fat faced sawyer.
In the end they kill every one of the bad guys… maybe arresting one. Samurai cop walks off into the beach sunset with his high wasted speedo.. a FUCKING CHAMPION.
Lets keep this up!
We can either go back to the list, or I can keep torturing you guys with my terrible picks.
-Mark
Samurai Cop is a 1991 American direct-to-video action film written, coproduced and directed by Amir Shervan and starring Robert Z'Dar, Matt Hannon and Mark Frazer. It has attained a cult following, and is often cited as one of the worst films of all time.