#105 – Bachelor Party

Movie Bachelors, 

Last week we watched a Tom Hanks movie that included a character called Max the Sexual Mule, It was the Green Mile… lol. NO! it was Bachelor Party. Now I would argue that all Mules are sexual, but that is not the point. The point is that the 80s were a weird time. A time when attempted rape was a joke and as long as you didn’t have sex with them you could have as many hookers at your bachelor party as you wanted.

Facts:

• Budget $7 million
• Box office $38.4 million
• The origins of the film came from an actual bachelor party thrown by producer Ron Moler and a group of friends for fellow producer Bob Israel. In fact, several members of the cast and crew involved with the production of the movie were at that party when the idea began to take shape
• Comedian Paul Scheer has gone on record on multiple occasions with his belief that Tom Hanks’s career did not start until this movie.

Plot:

Tom Hanks is a school bus driver, he plays by his own rules. I don’t know his character name, but this was the era that he pretty much played ever character as slightly wacky Tom Hanks. He has friends that are varying levels of degenerates. He announces to them that he is going to get married, it seems like they should know this already, but this is the 80s when men were men and didn’t deal with women things like emotions or friends personal lives. But luckily it’s all about the Bachelor party for them. 

Hank’s girlfriend’s (Tawny Kitane) family is rich and they don’t approve of her dating him. Which he gives them no reason to because he just acts like an asshole around them. Her dad brings in Chet (I forgot his real name, but it’s Chet now) her ex and tries to get them back together. Chet tries to bribe Hanks into breaking up with her with some major appliances. 

The guys rent a hotel and the R.Crumb looking guy goes down to the local pimp to get some girls for the party. Chet rolls up and redirects the hookers to the bridal shower being held at Tawny Kitane’s parents house. They show up, strip into leather bikinis and (off screen, but it’s implied) burn their clits off with some high power plug in vibrators. The stuffy ladies are SHOCKED, SHOCKED I TELL YOU, well not that shocked. In response they decide that they are going to go to Chippendale’s. But somehow Tom Hanks friend works there and they end up making her mom jerk a guy off using a hotdog bun. It takes a while to get there, I’m saving you some time. So they dress up as hookers themselves and go down to the bachelor party hotel room.

Man this movie takes some turns huh?

So because the first whores never show up, they get a discount from an indian pimp to rent some new hookers for 45 minutes. The party then turns into an absolute rager with everyone in the hotel coming into their room. It’s implied that most of Hank’s friends are just doing coke and blowing the backs out of these girls in the bedrooms. Chet is firing crossbow bolts at them from the hotel across the street. At one point the big climax of the party is when Max the Sexual Mule shows up with his Assistant… un-named girl. but Max dies of a drug overdose before he can… finish… the job. 

There’s also a subplot where an old friend is super depressed about his failed marriage and keeps trying to kill himself in sad and futile ways. Like trying to dunk his head in the bathtub to drown himself or slash his wrists with an electric shaver. Its always played for laughs and feels weird every time. 

Tom Hanks does not have sex with these floosies and that is his one redeeming quality. Chet then kidnaps Tawny and they have a madcap chase through a downtown Detroit movie theater. In the end they do get married and drive off in the school bus into the sunset.

The End. 

Fun fact (because who doesn’t love fun facts?) but the hottest chick in this movie was Tracey. The – hot girl that Tom Hanks never got to bang when he was young

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Random shit that also happens. 

• Chet’s porche is stolen and pimped out 
• Little guy friend has sex with transvestite. 
• Tawny’s (aunt?) is gangbanged by asian businessmen. 
• One of their old “friends” helps them seduce Chet and then they hang him naked out a window. 
• Tawny’s dad is forced to take bondage porn pictures
• They all clap for the length of that guys wiener. 

It’s actually a pretty enjoyable movie if you can look past the degenerate characters and weird normalization of hiring hookers for your bachelor party. Did they not have strippers in the 80’s, you just look in the phone book under S? I know I’m probably taking the high road, being a guy who takes screenshots of boobs in 80’s movies and posts them in a weekly email. 

alrighty then. 

So it’s Chris Johnson’s pick this week, unless we want to give it back to Erskine in hopes that he will actually show up!

-Mark