#106 – Wolfcop

Movie Wolves, 

Well, we did it again. We unpacked a weird one tonight. We checked off one that has been on the list since the beginning and on my personal Netflix watch list since it was still on Netflix. We screened the 2014 opus… WOLFCOP. 
Facts, I can’t find many interesting facts about this one. It’s Canadian and it’s seemingly marketed at that 1980’s nostalgia market. You want that stupid 80’s movie vibe but you also are living in 2014, well do I have the movie for you.

Plot?

*With only 3 people watching this week, I feel kind of bad ruining it for the rest of you. But since this movie came out 5 years ago… I think we’ve all had the ability to watch this one. 

*SPOILER WARNING**also this is a day later and this is from memory*

So we cut to Lou our hero, waking up next to an unknown floosie from the night before. He is maybe still drunk. He puts on his sheriff’s uniform. and gets his ass to work. Late again cause he’s some kind of alcoholic slacker. He’s just bumbling along in this small town life, much like every body else. flirting with the sexy bartender and drinking his sorrows away. 

Late one night he happens upon a scene where one of the candidates for mayor is hung from a tree, as he approaches the guy wakes up and says ‘behind you’ flash to all kinds of weird rituals being performed on him. screaming. and then cut to him waking up in his bed. He just kinds of goes about his business, because apparently this kind of blackout must happen all the time. totally normal. 

He immediately notices that he can’t shave his stubble off and that he can smell everything. he gets to work and he doing that thing where he’s noticing that everything is a little different. They find the body of the mayoral candidate, but they all chalk it up to drinking and shooting and some kind of animal eating the body. Totally inept. 
So he goes out again to the local bar. this time the hot waitress is closing early… for some reason. but gives him 5 shots of whiskey and tells him ‘these should keep you company’ totally normal. He goes downstairs to pee.

THEN THIS MOVIE TAKES A TURN. 

HE TRANSFORMS DICK FIRST WHILE PEEING BLOOD, INTO A WEREWOLF. Its the greatest transformation since the 1980’s. Shredding flesh, his face pops off, it’s awesome and worth watching the whole movie just for this. Two guys break in and he fucks their shit up. He escapes, but wakes up in his friends house. Who apparently shot him with a tranq dart, then took him home, washed his clothes ironed his shirt.

At this point… I’m just tired of going into all the details of this kind of nonsensical plot involving shapeshifting aliens? That take over a town for 200 years, create a werewolf through a ritual then use his blood to live forever… damn… when you write it out this seems like a lot of plot for a movie called WOLFCOP 

SO… Rapid fire mode. 

• lots of little references to other werewolf movies (stiles garage, lou garou, three little pigs, red riding hood)
• booze makes him stronger, love it!
• not sure if movie is smart until more than 3/4 through, but turns out it sort of is?
• how many people are in this town? every character not a background drunk is a shapeshifter, besides the woman cop. 
• I literally don’t know anyone’s name
• how can these shapeshifters lead 2 lives, there’s just not that many hours in the day. 
• too bad the sidekick was a bad guy, he was the best! His reactions dont make sense in the older scenes. Why was his buddy fucking with him with the wolfsbane and video tape? I feel like they rewrote it in the middle. 
• was the werewolf blood also drugs? cause they were also selling normal drugs
• there’s a lot of crime in this small town, that nobody seems to care about. The pig gang wasn’t related to the shapeshifters? 
• what is this valkenvania?
• the hot rod car part was the worst part, WTF OH GOD, GROAN. If he just made it look torn up.. but no.. be pimped this ride. fuckkkkkkk
• plot holes you could drive a truck through. 
• DICK FIRST TRANSFORMATION!
• The woman cop playing with the torn off face was awesome. 
• ripping so many arms and dicks off every fight
• ripping that guys face off he doesn’t die, he just runs around with an exposed skull. nice touch. 
• Chris has better ideas about the old lady wolf sex scene

Overall its a good movie. But they can’t decide if they want to make a straight horror comedy or make it a fantasy with a ton of backstory. It’s a great “movie night” movie and I hope everyone has seen it or finds time to watch it. 

I should be around this week. I’ll be in VA at my parents house, so Thursday is looking good. It might be Chris Johnson’s turn, or if Ivy can come through with an out of the box recommendation, I’ll allow it. 

-Mark