Movie Parishioners,
Last week we watched Velocipastor… A movie so realistic you will not believe that you aren’t living it live. in the tradition of movie night classics like Turbo Kid,The Gingerdead man, and Manborg, it’s “bad on purpose” unlike those movies it seems like any of us could probably make this in their backyard with a couple halloween costumes and some puppets.
But did we do that? No we didn’t god dammit.
Recap,
So a priest, not a pastor, but who’s looking, has his parents murdered by exploding car right in front of him. He is so torn up about it that his superior suggests that he go somewhere even God won’t look for him, so CHINA it is! while there I think he somehow defends a local or something, she might be getting chased by something. In the process he is scraped? or possibly stabbed by some kind of DRAGON CHARM THING! convenient!
Smash cut back to the USA where he’s not feeling very well, he runs down the street slightly bumping into a local prostitute. We see an interaction with her pimp, who is my favorite character in the movie. This actor DGAF he is having a ton of fun. They show the pastor all greased up and straining like he’s about to drop an impacted turd. Later when the prostitute is about to be raped by a nameless goon, a giant floppy velociraptor shows up and eats his head off.
The special effects here make every single movie we have watched look like the won SFX Oscar. But I get that it’s the point. It’s kind of ballsy to just put it out there in the first 5 minutes and be like… WE AIN’T EVEN TRYING TO HIDE THIS BARNEY MOTHERFUCKER, GET USED TO IT!
The pastor takes some convincing because dinosaurs aren’t real, lol. but eventually he gets it. Cut to the sweaty pimp confessing all his crimes in a stupid hilarious scene where in the end he is eventually killed by a velociraptor puppet hand. RIP MY BRO.
With the pimp gone, the prostitute convinces him to become a vigilante and fight crime. CUE THE TRAINING MONTAGE!
CUE THE SPEED ROUND!
- Lots of working out for a guy who was already ripped and just turns into a dinosaur anyway.
- Like the comic book style editing
- The soundtrack seems like it came off my ipod in 2003.
- Maniacal laughing… but one of the guys is terrible at it. pretty decent gag.
- The Vietnam Flashback for the old priest with not one but two terrible deaths, THEY WERE ONE DAY FROM RETIREMENT!
- They lean on this tragic backstory thing a lot.
- Pastor sex scene with ALL THE AFTER EFFECTS FILTERS TURNED ON
- agian the soundtrack is by underground bands from Seattle in 2007
- SEIZURE INDUCING EDITING, HOLY SHIT
So anyway Ninjas attack while Velicipastor is being the post coital little spoon and they fight them off. The ninja master has some kind of wacky plot to get everybody addicted to drugs so that they will become better Christians in the end. He reveals this plan to the old priest and then kills him.
Cue the final confrontation, which goes on waaay too long but does feature loads of shitty special effects, mannequins in the background, heads getting ripped off, and FULL BODY VELICIPASTOR ACTION! This little dino nugget is so cute. The bad ninja who is bad at laughing turns out to be his brother and I think there’s a bit about him losing his powers but it turns out that the real raptor was inside him all along.
Fin.
Was it the greatest movie of all time? If only because it used the quote from the end of Miami Connection in the end…Yes, it really was. But it also tried really really hard. Even with me explaining the plot, it’s still something that must be seen to be experienced. It’s available for free on most streaming services, look for it! It’s in that genre of movie that seems to flood streaming services where they take a normal thing and combine it with a horror thing. Here are some of the other movies Amazon recommended…Zombeavers, Llamageddon, Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter, Killer Sofa, Killer Pinata, Butt Boy, Thankskilling, INHUMANWICH, Clownado, CarousHELL, Bubba the Redneck Werewolf, I was a teenage wereskunk, The Thingy : Confessions of a teenage placenta, and possibly my favorite… Space Trucker Bruce!
I did not make up any of those, in fact, I left some out! But I’m sure Jesse has seen most of them.
We tried Discord video sharing this time. I think quality wise it worked pretty well. as the host I had to keep it full screen so I couldn’t see anyone or chat. but I think i can work that out with a second monitor. tonight we are going to watch CROCODILE FURY, so get ready to read some english subtitles!
-Mark
The VelociPastor is a 2017 American comedy horror action film written and directed by Brendan Steere. The plot follows pastor Doug Jones who becomes infected by an artifact, resulting in him turning into a velociraptor when he becomes angry. Steere first thought of the idea in 2010. After screening at the B-Movie, Underground, and Trash (BUT) Film Festival on August 31, 2018, the film was released in the United States on August 13, 2019 by Wild Eye Releasing.
source : wikipedia
