Movie Crocodile spirits,
Where do I even begin. I guess I’ll start by proclaiming I thoroughly enjoyed this movie. As a story, all put together it doesn’t make total sense. This is probably because it seems like two different movies where spliced together for no apparent reason to the viewer. There’s a pretty solid A story, albeit highly imaginative and immersed in rape culture mystic fantasy that’s full of all sorts of comical plot holes. But then there’s probably about 30 minutes or more of a random Jean-Claude Van Damme-esque priest-cop action suspense thriller involving a sorceress to summons zombie vampire ninjas for some reason, spliced into this movie and it really just distracts from the good stuff. I believe someone even pointed out that the main characters from the story are never on screen with the “vampires” or sorceress from the other story. I use the term vampires loosely because they’re only vampires by name in the movie. What these things really are is a bunch of frog hopping zombies that seem to be controlled by bubble-eyed goldfish souls.
Now lets talk about the good stuff.
We’re talking murderous crocodile rage and island villager raping, you know, the stuff of pure comedy gold. Like honestly I think there were only two male characters in this movie that didn’t rape anyone. Keep in mind this does include the nameless village people who seem to begin every scene with either trying to solicit rape or are in the middle of a rape induced tussle. There’s even an old creepy guy in a boat that basically plays out that old “rapist in the windowless van” angle. If you’re disgusted please don’t be, this guy had the decency to use a blanket for privacy because all of these rapes are in broad daylight for all passersby to see including children. Speaking of children, there was a random naked chubby baby in a hammock that just became a croc snack and it was glorious. What did you think of that Mark?
Thanks Q, I have dealt with a lot of shit covered baby balls in the last year and let me tell you. You know when those tender nards are out in the air. These little dudes were out in that boat for 3 full seconds on film, that’s like 10 minutes IRL time. The fact that I’m the only one who noticed makes me think a little, but my senses are honed right now.
Mark
But then… there were Crocs. Like a whole bunch of them. Well really only three but they terrorized this island village throughout this whole movie. It all seemed to start with Maria, a lady possessed by a crocodile spirit hell bent on murdering any bitch who tried to step to her man. Keep in mind her man don’t want to be with her because she gave him an ultimatum. Either join her in the crocodile spirit world, doomed to do her masters bidding in the great conspiracy that all revolves around Sea World or live amongst the lame ass land people because being a croc is cool. Maria ain’t got no time to become some random rape victim on this island.
Now that I think about it, I guess Maria is my favorite character because being a croc does somewhat equal power. Zero crocodiles were raped in this movie and fear may not equal respect but bottom-line is no one fucked with the crocodiles. Well no one without a pure heart that is. Jack, Maria’s boo thang, was able to infiltrate Sea World and strike doom upon the crocodiles with his powerful pussy-free heart of purity in the end.
Along the way there were all types of shenanigans and zany characters like Don Moore Cadillac, the rapiest murder croc known to man. I’d like to point out that we started calling this character Don Moore Cadillac way before he revealed his Escalade from the Everglades crocodile form, Right Mark?
I don’t think I’ve laughed harder at movie night this year than when this THICC BOI lumbered around the village chomping off legs and arms of random villagers
Mark
He comically ravaged the town, only pausing briefly to play peek-a-boo with an island girl in a human-sized wicker basket. When Don Moore, I still don’t know how we threw Moore on his name, wasn’t murdering he was raping. When he wasn’t raping he was napping.
Maria and DMC are set on overthrowing their master affectionately known as Master Cooper. This naming choice only had us laughing hysterically as we enjoyed all the Croc spirits Hangin’ with Master Cooper. Normally this would be a good thing, slaves overthrowing their masters. Only there seems to be no real goal here other than to be free to travel to the land above Sea World and snack on island folk. I honestly don’t know what these crocs eat other than people, like maybe the island is over fished or something so the crocs have no natural food and have evolved to hunt people? Come to think of it, who sponsored this movie, PETA?
Anyways, Master Cooper ain’t having none of this revolt and summons a new crocodile spirit. He needed a spirit that was powerful and menacing to thwart his rebellious minions Maria and DMC. This spirit was created with diamond teeth so that his powerful bite would vanquish any foe, Master Cooper would call him… Steve. Yes… Steve is as lame as he sounds. Not only did he not bite anyone with his diamond teeth, he ended the movie screaming like a baby pleading with Jack for mercy while he was bitten on every limb by DMC’s knuckle-children.
Wowzers, this movie was kooky but I enjoyed it immensely and I’m so glad it lived up to hype for me. Dare I say I’m going to watch it again? I really wonder if there is a sequel that was planned, does Maria ever find true love.
-Qaadir Antwine
Random Stuff
- The traps and baskets in the village seem really well built, maybe the actual villagers have some other use for them.
- How could we forget the talking skeleton
- The window from Sea World has to be filmed at an actual aquarium
- There are 2 villager ladies that are dressed in their Sunday best, while everyone else is in rags.
- They really forget easily that the crocodile has just ravaged this village last week
- DONT JUMP RIGHT INTO THE OPEN MOUTH!
- To get to Sea World, Jack becomes Moses and parts the sea
- the Crocodile women have gold pasties on their costumes
No animals were harmed during the making of CROCODILE FURY, but many humans were. Deep within the jungle, raging crocodiles devour men, women, and especially children for no good reason. BUT ALL IS NOT WHAT IT SEEMS! The killer crocs are really the ghosts of reincarnated humans who battle for the fate of the universe against hopping vampires, martial arts zombies, and a witch with Freddy Krueger fingers. For real!! With generous helpings of deranged crocodile puppets, lo-fi gore explosions, and stolen Kraftwerk songs, CROCODILE FURY can best be described as JAWS meets WONDER SHOWZEN meets who-the-fuck-knows. Directed by Godfrey Ho -- the person responsible for over 140 ninja movies -- and screening from a bootleg tape with Greek subtitles for maximum confusion.
source : Alamo Drafthouse
