Where to begin my kung-fu masters?  Last week, in honor of everyone’s favorite month long national remembrance, we watched Black Belt Jones.  It had kung-fu, it had car chases, it had rape, it had a car wash, it pretty much had everything you could ever want in a 70’s blaxploitation classic.  Except tits and ass, with exception of the briefest of nudities as a random exhibitionist couple scampered from their love tent on the beach, which was only to be replaced with the most playful and passionate rape sequence cinema has ever produced.

Movie Pervs,  Watching ‘The Great Bikini Offroad Adventure’ was a flashback to simpler times in many ways. In that it was surely recorded off a bad VHS copy with audio issues  [HI-FI]. But also that a movie like this even could exist, the market had to be late night premium cable, because there’s not 5 minutes of the movie that there’s not a topless woman on screen [HI-FI]. But also, Only topless dancing, no touching unless its in a committed relationship. So it has this weird morality for a hard R movie. 

Movie Humans, Why did I wait so long to watch Barbarella? Because I’m a human man incapable of love? Because everything made before 1970 is hot garbage? Because Jane Fonda is 79 years old now and I can’t see her younger image because it will remind me of the frailty of life and the inevitability of death?

Okay Fellas, I guess up to the task to draft this review.  So Bill E swooped in and chose the epic Star Wars knockoff Starcrash.  And it is a knockoff in pretty much every sense of the word.  

Movie Gremlins,  Last Last Week we watched 1990’s Gremlin’s 2 : The New Batch. It totally held up! In that I mean it was never very good to begin with but the creature effects still looked great.

Movie Victims,  Last week we watched a movie that will surely be studied by film students for years to come as an example of mid the 2000’s resurgence of low budget teen horror films. In the last days of Blockbuster Video, they needed films that teased violence and titties, but didn’t quite deliver on either. It also didn’t quite deliver on Gary Busey, maybe because in 2005 we were only slightly aware of what a loonball he was.  We were all waiting for the ad-libbed mania that only The Busey can deliver.

So I can’t really describe exactly what was going on in this one.  It seemed as though the 1% were all apart of some collaboration with a race of aliens that were controlling the universe.  I think they were called the Human Elite something or another.  The aliens recruited the elite humans to be kind of their  lackeys and in return they afforded them riches for not trying to fight them I guess.  

NO RECAP???

Movie Gods,  Last week we fulfilled the Johnson prophecy and watched Hercules(1) from 1983. While it was better than the sequel, it was in no way a good movie. Sweet Lou’s dickless body really set the tone for the film. It did have an angry Hercules throw a bear into space and later travel through space on a chariot tied to a rock. So it had that going for it.

Movie Virgins,  Well if you missed this one, you missed one hell of a ride. The hilarity, the emotions, the confusion. It’s hard to describe this movie without giving you many details about the production or just explaining out each plot point individually. I think we discussed on the last email chain many of the details. But I have gone on to try to explain this movie to two separate groups of people, they didn’t really get why I was so confused… It must be seen.