#95 – Never Too Young to Die

Movie Transvestite Villains, 

Goins was out seeing a movie from 1986 (Transformers : The Movie), We watched one from the very same year. Who saw the better movie? I think it’s CLEAR that we did! We saw things that you cannot unsee! Things that will forever haunt our sexual fantasies! We watched an all time lost classic.

Plot keywords from IMDB :  hermaphrodite | gymnast | roommate | excrement on face | gay slur

Just the best, Just the fucking best movie. 

Plot Recap:

God Help us, we start in some sort of pit filled with chanting post apocolyptic punks. They are led by some kind of weird drag queen VELVET VON RAGNAR played by Gene Simmons (sans makeup, with tongue). They are sacrificing some woman who is a combination of Tina Turner and Paula Abdul. She can’t give them what they want, so she gets THE FINGER. Which is some kind of knife fingernail. Then They cut straight to LANCE STARGROVE (Stamos) being a typical college student with a crazy grown up Data (from the Goonies) for a roommate. Who is making him some kind of flame bazooka FOR NO GOOD REASON. They show him being a flipping great gymnast, which will totally come in handy at some point?

Then, in a scene that I totally forgot to screenshot. George Lazenby plays a clear James Bond ripoff, who is on a mission… to do something? But is double crossed by CARUTHERS! It’s a pretty long action scene where Lazenby forgets he is shot multiple times in the leg and then later is shot in the back at least twice. He is later killed by RAGNAR, But I think the whole time Lazenby thought his character was going to survive. 

Cut to Stamos at his fathers funeral. He still thinks that he’s just some kind of traveling salesman or something. He’s a little bummed? Not too much. He meets VANITY, played by VANITY. OR possibly not her characters name, but when you go by VANITY, it’s always your name. 

Cut to the appearance of my favorite sidekick of all time. PYRAMID, this dude’s giant body and tiny head topped with the greatest quaff of 80’s metal hair. His outfit is too gay for even He-Man to pull off. PYRAMID is sent to kill Vanity at Stamos’s Fathers horse stables. But she’s more that just a pretty face and turns the tables on him. But he gets away, because he’s a badass. Vanity lets Stamos in on the secret that his dad was probably killed by RAGNAR. 

There really is a lot of plot going on here, but damn if it’s all just filler in between Gene Simmons scenes. Cause the next scene is Ragnar performing a drag show at THE INCINERATOR, and absolutely killing it. Stamos shows up to the club and just fits right in with everyone, totally. There is a very sexual scene where Stamos meets Ragnar back stage. The best part being Ragnar just yelling STARGROVE really loudly and seeing if Stamos reacts. the outfit Ragnar wears was previously worn by Linda Carter at a KISS SHOW. (thanks HDTGM) Luckily some dumb redneck tries to steal his bike CAUSE IT BLOWS UP. 

Some shit happens. Man it’s hard to keep track of why they are at each place. There’s a mad max style motorcycle/corvette chase through the desert. Stamos discovers a hidden room full of guns below his dads bed, he has to throw a couple guys out a window and I think at some point they are all captured and escape? who fucking knows!
But now. We get to the part where Vanity wants to get THAT STARGROVE DICK. But Lance isn’t into it because I assume he knows that VANITY probably BONED HIS DAD. For sure. But she is INCREDIBLY BEAUTIFUL and she is laying it on THICK. ending up in in an 80’s bikini and literally oiling herself up. STAMOS tries to not get all horned up by EATING MULTIPLE APPLES but, there’s no way he could ever resist. When he finally gives in the movie cuts to the weirdest edited sex scene in the history of film. It’s like they thought that if they showed VANITY’s body for longer than 1 seconds the film would melt… they might be right. 

This movie is full time wacko bonkers.

Because at this point CARUTHERS reveals himself to be RAGNAR by pulling off his incredibly fake beard and yelling I’M RAGNAR! They capture Stamos and Vanity and bring them back to the PIT. Stamos challenges Pyramid to a ‘Real Man’ fight, and just when you think you are going to see the greatest fight in the history of hair. Stamos grabs a gun from the crowd and shoots him.

FUCK YOU STAMOS, he was the best of us!

At this point the ‘military’ shows up in a rented helicopter and just lays waste to crowds of people with a big machine gun. Ragnar escapes with THE RAM K DISK. that thing that I’ve been forgetting to talk about but is the thing Ragnar needs to poison the water supply, what.. this is the first time I’ve mentioned this? Weird, it was super important to the plot. 

Is that SERIOUSLY what they wanted the disk for? To poison the water supply? haha! I had no idea the entire movie that’s why they wanted it. In my head I was just thinking it had the world’s first medical step by step guide on how to invert full on male penis into a vagina. 

Chris

anyway?

So Ragnar has inserted the disk, entered the password, the countdown has started. He gets into a fight with STARGROVE JR on the top of a damn dam. There is some MINIMAL use of gymnastics. VANITY CANT TAKE THE SHOT with her scoped 45 because “SHE MIGHT BLOW THEM BOTH AWAY” (how big are these fucking bullets).

In the weirdest part? of the movie? Stamos bites Ragnar in his left tit and pulls down his top…. to reveal a pair of very real boobs. Which I went back and screenshotted the one frame of fully exposed Trans boobs, you’re welcome. Who was the boob double? Are these really Gene Simmons breasts? anyway after that scene. There’s nothing more to this film. 

Ragnar is thrown off the bridge. Stamos doesn’t know what to do… so he THROWS the briefcase transmitter into the air. he also THROWS the flame thrower grenade gun thing. They hit each other and explode… this is fucking lame. anyway, Stargrove drives off into the sunset with Vanity and hopes for a sequel STILL not to young to die!

This movie is great. 

-Mark