Movie Juggers,
This week we went back to that joyous time called the 1980s. A time when you could convince someone to give you money for… and star in… a movie about post apocalyptic Quidditch. It was a weird time. It was a weird movie. They didn’t do a very good job explaining WHY this was happening… or really what was happening in the sport. I guess since you couldn’t just have some kind of zombie Marv Albert commentating on the play by play it was kind of hard to explain the rules. The rules seem to be, teams of 4? and you you have to have one guy using the giant Q-tip, one guy using the swinging chain ladder, one guy using the long hook thing, and one quick running around guy. The objective seems to be… just to get the dog skull onto the spike, no other rules. but all the types of guys just seem to fight each other, gladiator style while the quick guys also fight each other… not a lot of defense or plays.
Anyway, once you get over the kind of stupid rules of the game and the mediocre camera work during the games. The whole thing is actually pretty enjoyable… for Movie Night standards anyway. In the end you’re like FUCK YEAH JUGGERS! JUGG THAT SHIT!
Plot!
In a generic Post Apocalyptic world, there is only one sport. Jugger? Is it called Jugger? or are they the Juggers. God… nothing is explained in this movie. So anyway, the rich people live underground, very ‘A boy and his dog’, and have PRO JUGGER leagues. On the surface roving teams of Juggers travel around and play teams from local towns. FOR WHAT? OR WHAT REASON? no one knows. They get some kind of reward. Stones? it’s probably stones?
This team is lead by former PRO and future Hobo with a shotgun, Rutger Hauer. Also Delroy Lindo and Vincent Phillip Denofrio are on his team. They are trying to keep it together and survive. They play a small town team and win, but their ‘quick’ DOGBOY is injured. so they leave him for dead and move on with a local Asian girl as the new ‘quick’. Seriously this guys’ gonna die out there.
This movie is long… ugh… the next 30 minutes could probably be cut out.
- Training the new girl montage
- Traveling through desert montage
- Having sex with new girl montage.
Then they win one match and get cocky enough to challenge a pro team. Which I guess happens enough that there’s a whole system for it. 3 matches… but it’s sudden death, 1 score wins. No challenger has ever lasted for more than 26 stones.
And then there’s all this backstory about how Rutger got disgraced for sleeping with some politicians wife/daughter and that guy hates him so he tells ‘Australian Frankenstein monster’ to hurt him on purpose. To which this large maniac responds that he’s got integrity and he only smashes peoples faces in pursuit of DEM JUGG WINS.
But then the finale. These upstart Juggs are going to challenge the PROS. It’s a real “longest yard” situation. They make it past 26 stones, they just barely take the first match to the time limit. and everybody is real impressed. Word has spread that some local team is setting the all time challenger record. Then in the unprecedented second challenge match, their coach as to take over the Hooker guys’ spot and despite his oldness, he’s good still. Despite all their oldness and stupidity they all COMPLETELY overpower their opponents and win the game by slowly walking the dog skull to the spike.. game over. movie over? yes! right then, without any explanation on WHAT THIS ALL MEANS… the movie just hits the credits. JUGGERS! JUGGERS!
- Nothing but tires survived the apocalypse
- The guys throwing the stones are my favorite, so much enthusiasm!
- Denofrio looks like a spastic goon every time he’s excited.
- So many scars in this movie. all over, everyone. Jugg Life.
- The equipment locker being an entire armoire is hilarious.
- Nothing is explained in this movie
- Rutger has a forehead herpe that we assume is some kind of banishment mark or PRO JUGGHEAD mark
- is Delroy Lindo wearing a mask? nope, just his misshapen face!
- Two Juggers cant have sex because it’s just rubbing wounds together.
How Did this movie inspire a real sport? I get Quiddich, we all love Harry Potter and nerds in college want to feel like they are athletes. But this movie? wtf?
Rankings of fictional sports
- Quiddich
- Baseketball
- Blurnsball – Futurama
- Rollerball
- Football from Starship Troopers
- Pyramid from Battlestar
- Canadian Football
- Juggering
I love Juggs,
-Mark
good thing they spent 10 minutes just putting their helmets on so you know they try to keep it safe.
Charlie
The Blood of Heroes (also released as The Salute of the Jugger) is a 1989 Australian-American post-apocalyptic film written and directed by David Webb Peoples, produced by Charles Roven, and starring Rutger Hauer, Joan Chen, and Vincent D'Onofrio.[1] The film has inspired the creation of the sport Jugger.[2]
source : wikipedia